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Colorful Joy Christmas Card

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Accept this moment as it is

I have been in denial for a long time, because it is scary to face the truth. Who wants to face rejection?! I have made countless reasons and created open possibilities that maybe one day.....it will be what I want.

But, I cannot live on that one string, that string of hope that maybe one day....
I have to live on the string I have. An unattached string with infinite possibilities:

1. work on business with Lindsay
2. get more money some how, better paying job?
3. read about starting my own business
4. give my son constant love, stability and discipline
5. practice a healthy lifestyle
6. save money
7. make money
8. meet new girlfriends
9. take care of my current friendships
10. take care of my home

Sade

Skin Sade Lyrics

When I found out this love's undone

I was like a gun, sure as it was over

Felt like nothing good could come



Sure as it's gonna play and play

Like Michael back in the day


I'm gonna peel you away



Now as I begin to wash you off my skin

I'm gonna peel you away

'Cause you're not right within



I love you so

Sometimes love has to let go


So this time don't think it's a lie

I say goodbye



Now as I begin to wash you off my skin

I'm gonna peel you away

http://www.elyricsworld.com/skin_sade_lyrics_sade.html
'Cause you're not right within



Now it's time to wash you off my skin


Now as I begin, it couldn't be right

'Cause you're not right within



I say goodbye

Acceptance

I focus on things I have lost......But I forget ALL the things I have.

Me, Myself, and I - The Ego

My older sister always told me that the only person I could ever count on is myself. I didn't follow all the other advice she gave me.....but this statement always stuck with me. I always hear her saying it in my head.

I hear her right now, in the midst of my loneliness. It's funny though because my sister always wants to help me and despite our relationship rift she still does.

When my inner voice was telling me I was alone and have no one....my sister's voice was reminding me that I have myself. This is what got me up from the slight slump I fell into tonight.

It has been really lonely though especially when in the past year several of my relationship have changed, I'm not just talking about my relationship with my boyfriend....but the relationship I had with my sister, friend mel and my mom.

It is something I have done.

I have changed....and honestly I wish I could get back to the old me or at least part of the old me, but I don't know how.

Heartbreak has jaded me, motherhood has disciplined me, Lost has stripped away the bliss I use to radiate with ease. I don't know if I am a better person? I know I am better in certain ways: in responsibilities, will power, strength wise, patience, but what kind of person am I where my boyfriend, sister, and friend have all decided to step away from my life?!

If I carry on this way I truly will have ONLY Myself to ever count on.

i LOVE sex and the city

Miranda: What's the big deal? In 50 years men are gonna be obsolete anyway. I mean, already you can't talk to them, you don't need them to have kids with, you don't need them to have sex with anymore, as I've very pleasantly discovered.

Dream 2

I remember Clay, Evony and Will in my dream and Will being very distant.

Dream 1

I could not sleep very well last night. Little noises kept waking me and my mind was running. I remember a short dream where I was with my girlfriends out to dinner, then I had to go to the car. My friend Lindsay accompanied me to the car and we were in the parking lot and she called her BF and son who were at home.

Love: enriching, flexible, and strong

...That is my definition of Love. "Love" for me has evolved so much from the time I was 17 years old when I first "fell" in love to Today. Today, I feel it is more a state of being than more of a feeling. Feelings/emotions are fleeting and a state of being is more of a practice or a habit....which I have learned to practice more of. Pain and hurt have pushed me to be more loving and patient and to understand what I want LOVE to be....in my life and how I would like to practice love with others.

Love: enriching, flexible, and strong

...That is my definition of Love. "Love" for me has evolved so much from the time I was 17 years old when I first "fell" in love to Today. Today, I feel it is more a state of being than more of a feeling. Feelings/emotions are fleeting and a state of being is more of a practice or a habit....which I have learned to practice more of. Pain and hurt have pushed me to be more loving and patient and to understand what I want LOVE to be....in my life and how I would like to practice love with others.

The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire

I am RE- reading this book, titled above, by Deepak Chopra. It explores coincidences and what the author calls synchrodestiny. It is interesting because it explores scientifically proven experiments and ties it together with the synchrodestiny theory. Do you believe coincidences are Random acts in Life? or are they Meaningful insights into life?

keeping busy

I rode my bike to work today! I was so proud of myself for getting up early enough to do it. I have been putting it off due to how delicious it feels in bed sooooo early in the morning.....but the night before I set my mind to getting up early and I did!

It was a good ride, I got to work early and felt so energized. So, not only am I benefiting myself, but I'm being green as well : ) Plus, I get a good work out in and save gas money!!

Here's my little bike

I run solo about 3 days a week, when Will is with his father, this is my circumstance that I have to accept as sucky as it is. To stay busy and keep my mind off missing my little guy I recently started a Salsa class last week. My first class was really fun, I'll tell you more about the second class when it happens tomorrow!

Sunday Adventure

We woke early today to check out the Antique Fair. There was a lot of cool things and I almost splurged on 2 lamps that I have been wanting, but didn't. Good Job for me on self control : )
I was starving after an hour at the fair and so I went back home cooked breakfast and headed to a soccer game. After, I took Will to our favorite Park (well it's my new favorite park) and our Sunday Adventure begins.....

First feed the ducks...

Then Chase the ducks....

Then, Finally the playground and LOT's of running around...

And after I methodically and peacefully pull him away from the park and into my car...the chaos begins in trying to lock him down into the car seat (no picture of that scene) and then Finally home for some painting....

and gardening

Then Melt Down.......The End.

Saturday

We had quite a long day today. A lot of walking because of my stupidity, but it turned out ok. The baby didn't have to walk. We went to the 2nd Annual Banana Festival! After a couple hours at the festival we began our long trek back to the car. We walked though William Land park and stopped at the playground next to the wading pool to rest, rather for ME to rest. Will had a blast and I loved the idea of the pool, it only goes up to 6 inches and the area is small. There were a good amount of kids that Will enjoyed the play time. He is so Social.

Dreams do Come True......at least in my head!

I hope I win the lottery tomorrow! The first thing I would do is put in my 2 weeks notice at work, then I would go visit my parents with my son. I would vacation in the Philippines for awhile and plan out how I would share my winnings.

When I return I would send the people I decided to share my money with, a check. I would enjoy my days at my rental home with my son.....until I found a home I wanted to purchase. I would get a dog too!

I would fix my car window and buy myself either an Audi A7, Lexus RX, Porsche 911 Carrera or heck all 3. Then, as I look for the perfect home for my son, dog and I, I would start my re-furbishing idea as my hobby.

Eventually, as I savor my moments of financial security and have a little fun with lavish spending I would like to open my own furniture store with furniture I Re-do and a dessert/cupcake/cafe!

Wish me luck!

Good Things ONLY

I am thankful for my son
I am thankful for my health
I am thankful for Lindsay and her supportive, comforting, calming ways
I am thankful for Sharon who makes work amusing and fun and for her advice and ear
I am thankful for my home
I am thankful for my car
I am thankful for my sister

things will be ok

My Car stopped working, I hope I didn't permanently break it. It's my own stupidity. I am reading my car manual from now on, I have to learn to be more of aware of car maintenance, my dad used to do that for. Whenever I spoke to my dad it was mostly about car stuff. I miss him.

I am trying to have a better attitude (even though it feels like things have not been going smoothly) about obstacles. Right now it feels like when something in my life is going good, something has to go wrong. I do remember a time in my life when everything was good! Maybe, the feng shui or good and bad in life is just part of growing up...or being an adult bleh!

Things could be worst, I could be really unhealthy, my car could have blown up.....so I'll be grateful for my problems. But, if there is a God.... I hope you could just give me some kind of sign that no matter how tough things seem to be, things will be ok: that i'll be able to take care of my son and I by providing us what we need and that we are both healthy........that's all.

Oh, and Thank you to the four strangers that stopped to help me : )

a deep breath

I hate when I freak out!! Once I have a melt down I roll with it and freak out about every possible thing.....When I was driving home from work I started freaking out about my job security, then about my ability to even do my job, then how I would see my son less because his father may get a permanent job in the Bay Area, then how I don't have money.....and I kept rolling and rolling in negativity until I started crying and the weather made me feel even worse with it being rainy and grey. I calmed down once I couldn't see behind my tears and rain.

All I wanted was to be with Will and the baby.

But, instead I came home to an empty house.

I was done with my pity party and so I had a glass of wine and corn bread and a talk with my friend Huan......He helped me feel better.

the end.

My little Artist is the only one that can paint my sorrows away.....He makes me happy

i love this, REALLY love it

"When a woman has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them with an open hand. Hold everything with open hands. I don't think we are ever allowed to grab hold of anything or anyone as though they matter more than the kingdom of heaven. When you hold relationships with open hands, then people come in and out of your life as gifts of grace to be cherished and enjoyed, not objects to be owned and manipulated. And then when you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small."

I'm done trying to look ahead.PERIOD.

I met a guy today who supposedly reads tarot cards and palms. He read mine. He said:I would have 3 kids, It will take 5 men to get to "the one" (I'm 3 down).....so one more heartbreak to go and I'll finally meet him. I will always have to work for everything I have. He also said I will always be the bread winner, and that I need to stop trying to do things for men, but allow them to do things for me.

mmm....interesting.

I don't know what my future holds, but I do know I should never take short-cuts. Short cuts in trying to make money, obtaining love, career, a home. I realized that because I lost an opportunity to make some profits recently because I tried to take a short cut, well if you knew all the details of my last relationship it spells out NO SHORT CUTS, and as cliche as it is Life is a lot about the journey not the destination. So, if I took more short cuts, then I would lose A LOT of Life.

I lose patience often, like yesterday with my son. He kept crying and crying and I didn't know why he was crying and being so fussy....I sternly got really angry with him which didn't help the situation and then I felt even more horrible. I tried to take a short cut with my son's emotions, it didn't work.

I think my life path is a slow and steady pace....not a short cut journey for me. My friend the other day said why can't periods be one hour?! Why can't we sit on the toilet for one hour and bleed it all out and be done with it?!

Because, that my friend would be a SHORT-CUT.

If periods lasted for an hour maybe we wouldn't have the cravings, the bitchiness, the emotional roller coasters that make us Women! More importantly we wouldn't have our Periods to blame for the bitchiness, the cravings, the emotional roller coasters.

So, maybe it's good that our periods don't last for an hour it gives us a short-cut to explain why we are women! especially when we are bitchy.

These are my craving, bitchy, emotional, LOVELY girlfriends that I have missed. I ADORE THEM
PERIODS AND ALL.

No Short-Cuts to Marriage, either

Me and my thoughts

As I was lying in bed putting Will to sleep I started to think about a friend of mine who just had a baby girl. She and her boyfriend, who is also the father of her daughter, broke up. The baby is only 2 months old. I started wondering how she was feeling, I started thinking about how I felt.

When you're child-less and single, it is pretty great. Sure, there are those moments of loneliness and the need for affection, but over-all being single in your mid to late twenties was fabulous, at least from what I remember. But, when you're single and have a child, it sometimes feels lonelier and sometimes the need for affection is greater.

I am new to all this and I have read other single mama's blogs who beg to differ on the cons of being a single mom.....most toot the horn on the greatness of it, which makes absolute sense, but since I am a new single mama I am still going through the process of completely and contently accepting it. I understand all the great things about it, but I also understand the great things about having a partner.

Part of the difficulty with it is that I grew up in a traditional family. Traditional family meaning a mom and dad. I wanted that for my child too. I loved my childhood so it's only normal to want it for my little guy as well.

My life, however has taken on a different path and I have to really practice on controlling my Shenpa so that I don't develop resentment, sadness and un-acceptance due to my circumstance. I find peace in knowing that there are great things in my circumstance, like baby Will of course! and that I am taking care of myself and my son and that is an empowering feeling.

US

Shenpa

I used to pour every thought out of me as if my mouth were a faucet and my words were water gushing out turbulently. I still do sometimes, that's just who I am and I guess this blog is sort of that. However, I know I have turned that faucet off a bit or at least I'm learning how to trickle my words out rather than spraying it out with great force. I just recently learned the tibetans have a word for fleeting feelings turbulently being sprayed out. It's called Shenpa. Shenpa means hooked, hooked on a thought, that a person makes it tangible enough that a reaction occurs. A physical and mental reaction.

For example if someone said a hurtful comment like, mmmm? let's use something relevant. If someone that you were in love with said," I'm not in love with you, we are like oil and water we will never mix" how would you feel? Well, speaking from experience my body started to tighten and my stomach ached, I wanted to cry but I couldn't because I wanted to sob uncontrollably but I couldn't because I was at work. Then, I began to feel sadness and anger throughout my veins- that's Shenpa. I got hooked by that statement and allowed the feelings to control me rather than taking control of my feelings.

What if I reacted differently? Instead of reacting the way I did, What if I took several deep breaths and paused for a moment? I don't know how I would have felt because that did not happen. Instead I left work early that day sick to my stomach.

I just finished my book, "Practicing Peace In Times of War" by Pema Chodron and that is where I learned about Shenpa. I am currently practicing pausing before I react. It is a very difficult practice because I am so accustomed to reacting out of thin air and getting hooked by anything said to me, whether it be a compliment or an insult.

Getting that hooked feeling is not a good thing for me because I begin to run with my thoughts to places I shouldn't run and I only create anxiety, sadness, anger. So, when I am aware of that hooked feeling I take a deep breath and give that thought some space and it usually works to make that icky thought dissipate, but it is constant practice. Another skill I am pro-actively trying to practice, being consistent. It's June first a new month, a fresh clean slate so here's to practicing consistency and my Shenpa, Wish me luck!

An In-Between Moment

During the in-between moments of my life (when i say in-between i am referring to in-between bigger moments like my "love" life, goals, my son but that's my own scale of bigger moments and a whole other story) like when I am at work really examining the paper work. So, in my in-between moment at work on Friday as I was finishing the last five minutes of my day I started reading an Advance Care Directive. An Advance Care Directive is a document that a person has instructing health wishes in the case that he or she is incapable of verbalizing/expressing it them self. Yes, it is not a very fun subject, but something real that I think is important.

I think if I wasn't a mommy I wouldn't really care or think it was important, because before I was a mommy I saw this document a million times never thinking once that I should have one for myself. That's one thing mommy-hood did to me, think about this kind of stuff, like life insurance. Life insurance wasn't really something i considered getting for myself until I had Will.

It's a strange feeling to feel as if your life is much more important and more fragile when you have a child depending on you......Anyway back to my in-between moment. So, I was sitting there reading this Advance Directive....and thought that I should work on one this weekend (mind you it's a 3 day weekend and this is what I got all excited to do ) yes this is what my life has come to at the moment, lol.

So, I got the California Advance Directive off of www.caringinfo.org. You can download your specific state's Advance Directive and it is pretty self explanatory. To make it legal all you have to do is get it notarized, let the people you assign as Power of Attorney's for Health know and give them a copy as well as your physician and tada your set.

So, if anything happens to you like you get into a coma....your loved ones know what wishes you would like. It could possibly make it a little easier for your loved ones to make some sort of decision knowing your wishes are documented and instructed as well.

When I got home that day, my babysitter who is also my best friend started talking about death and how life is short and how we should take care of our health....there was more to the story, but that was the bottom line. So, since we were on the subject I let her know I would be putting her down as my 3rd choice for Power Attorney for Healthcare, the first one would be my mom and the second choice would be my little brother, I have yet to tell them.

Although I call that moment on Friday an in-between moment, It feels like my life right now is at an in-between stand still. Does that even make sense?

him & me

Now, I know why he got so defensive at me last night. It's because I referred to him as someone's "little delivery boy". Behind his very very tough exterior I REALLY don't realize how my comments affect him.....He used to tell me that I shouldn't be affected by his silly comments, that I should be confident in myself to know who I am and not allow hurtful comments to affect me. So, I thought he practiced the same thing.

He's so intriguing to me. I want to get in his head. But, I probably never will.

And he will never get into my head and will never understand how I truly see him.

I love him

so much. too much.

Will practicing Yoga and Vacuuming

                                                    .......His mom & dad taught him well
                                                  (we both took yoga at some point in our life)

Daddy taught him how to vacuum too!

    Today was a good day. I got these funny photo updates from Will's father which made my day. 

With the baby gone I finally organized the attic, I think it's a little more inviting as a guest room now.  My good friend J and his boyfriend are planning on visiting and staying the night this weekend so it was perfect timing to prepare that space.  

I get to see J and L this weekend. Two of my closest friends.  When I was driving home from work today the memory of when we went to get sushi back in April of 2008 came to mind.  

                                                                

This is how I became a mommy.

The three of us, me, J, and L were having dinner.  J and I sat next to each other facing L.  She had something big to tell us that night.  I don't remember if she told us the big news in the beginning of dinner or the end, but I do remember how I felt. 

The news was that she was pregnant.  My initial feeling was a really selfish one.  I felt crushed.  Who was I going to hang out with, have a drink with spontaneously, look for guys with, attempt to go to school with( i say attempt because every time we have taken a class together we end up skipping class to shop or go to happy hour).  My life was going to change, I was not going to have the same L to hang out with.

But, later that night I talked with J about it and I remember telling him  I want a baby and I remember writing in my journal....either that night or a few days later.....

"I am ready to go in that direction in my life"

A year  later I had Will.  He is a year and 3 days younger than L's son.  I say this is how I became a mommy because this is how the seed of mommy-hood was planted in me (because we all know how i really became a mommy) .  I was really ready, not ready in a way where I had a husband, home and an ideal income.  But, I was ready in my heart and soul to begin a pathway towards that direction.  Lot's of things in my life have happened that way where I state in my heart and soul what I want and it happens!......maybe not in the same timing I expect to happen, or the same way but bottom line.

It happens.  It is exciting to think about what is going to unfold next in my life.  I have answers in my heart and soul, but I will keep them there until the unfolding happens.

Speaking of seeds....I started my tomato & green bean plant as seeds, I'm just proud of them so I wanted to share:

it's unfair

It's rainy and cold. I am alone at home.  I miss my son.  I don't get to see him until Friday almost 3 days, considering that on Friday it won't be until I get off work.  I hate being away from him.  There are mothers yearning for a break from mommy-hood, I wish I had their problems. I know some mothers don't even have their  child at all, like my friend and that's unfair.

I want to hug him and kiss him right now, I miss him so much.

At least He is having a lot of fun while he is away from me:

 His father emailed me this as I wrote this blog, what a coincidence.

I guess he sensed me missing him.

How did I become a Krazy Everlastin' Real Supah Diva?

A long time ago before I became a mommy.  I was a Krazy Everlastin' Real Supah Diva also known as KERSD pronounced (Cursed).  My friend Kiara came up with the slogan for our five person girl group and she came up with it using the first letter of our names K for Kiara/Krazy, E for Evony/Everlastin', R for Rosalyn/Real, S for Star/Supah and D for Diana/Diva.  These girls gave me the best memories that to this day bring me such warmth and complete happiness when I remember our adventures.

Kiara has been living in Texas for several years.  Evony is practically my neighbor and I remain the closest to her.  She has been with me through everything in the last several years and I am so blessed to still have her presently in my life. Rosalyn is myself and I am here, alive and well! Star has 4 kids and is married. Last but not least, Diana is with her long time boyfriend and just graduated with her college degree in Social Services.

We were all so different, but that is what made our adventures sooo much fun and FUNNY. We laughed  A LOT!  What makes a a person a Krazy Everlastin' Real Supah Diva?

You have to be Krazy enough to take risks and be spontaneous. To go beyond your comfort zone in order to grow and experience new things and meet new people-----Just like Kiara.

You have to understand what Everlastin'  or commitment is.  To be committed to what's important in your life-----like I have learned through Evony.

You have to be Real or authentic in what you say and do------which I continually strive to do.

And to be Supah you have to fun, flexible, and free spirited----which I remember Star as being

And to sum it all up you have to be a Diva, confident, smart and independent -----which Diana embodies.

Here is a Photo of Us from back in 2005 when we took a road trip to Texas to visit Kiara (Star was not present) :

Girlfriends are one of the best assets to have.  I am lucky to have several of them, who play such vital roles in my life.  No matter the distance or the length of absence, my girlfriends have given me the support, love, ear, advice, and honesty that enrich me and help me grow as a person.   

I wanted to share this

http://www.thesafestline.com/what-its-all-about/

Parent Meet-Up

  I joined a parent meet-up group here, and attended my first meet-up.  It was a BBQ in the country. The host lives on 4 acres of land and there were chickens galore, horses, dalmatians  and a pig named Penelope.  The place was beautiful!  I was a little nervous because I did not know anyone, but I took a deep breath and encouraged myself to step out of my comfort zone and just do it!  It was fun and I am really proud of myself.  The people were all nice, the food was yummy, Will had sooooo much fun,he even learned how to shake hands when meeting new people.  It was the cutest thing, since I kept holding my hand out introducing myself at one point Will held out his little arm to shake hands as well. There were a ton of kids to play with and great land to roam around in

                              The kids loved jumping into the big red ball and rolling down the hill

                                                                            Pinata Time !

                                                            Will scooting around, with my help

                                                          Will got to feed the horses Carrots

                                                    Here's a Picture of us w/ Penelope the Pig

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I guess this is my Friday the 13th Curse

Will and I were playing in his room and then we went into his tent, the two of us, and then I started missing him.  I wished he were in the tent with us, laughing at Will's silliness.  I miss him a lot right now.

i wonder if he ever misses me.....

Maya

If she were here I know she would be beautiful, just like her mommy.  She probably would have her daddy's calm demeanor.

She would probably bully lil Will around.  That's bossiness definetly from her mom : )

But, she is not. She is up in heaven.

I thought about losing Will today.  I saw myself immobilized.
I cannot imagine that ever again....

He is everything to me, and that scares me.  I have never had that before. I have had him for 25 months and the moment he came to life, he became my life.

                                                             

unburying me...or at least part of me

It's 12am and I have to be up in five hours, but I want to write.  I just don't know what to write.
I want to make a commitment to myself and write every night.  I use to be really passionate about writing and I wanted to be a writer, and I as I sit here thinking about that time when writing was a passion......I wonder where that person went.  That person who was a lot more spirited, impulsive, irresponsible, irrational, excited.  Part of that person is either hiding or disappeared and I know a small part of the reason is due to the fact that I am a mommy now.  My money, my time, my attention is not just for me anymore, it is to be shared with my little man now.  But, it makes me wonder is that old me still here just buried underneath parental responsibilities or is that part of me gone?

Happy Mother's Day

What's Real

I guess we are both living a fantasy, where I believe things last forever and he believes in the kind of love where there are sparks and everlasting passion…..whose is more real?  Whose  is more attainable?  I think we both want the same thing.  I just have to give up the notion that finding it in each other is attainable.

It feels surreal to me to give up hope, but I would be insane to continue to be hopeful.  This is the kind of stuff that makes me realize too much positivity can be a flaw.  I have become so blindsided by my own optimism, that maybe I choose to ignore what’s real.

That he is absolutely right “ that we are like oil and water, we will never mix” and that is what’s real.

I didn't want to be Single.....

I wanted to have my family together.....my two boys with me.....my son and boyfriend.  But, it didn't happen because my boyfriend decided to leave, me, us for the fourth time.....Again!  I sit in our home that he picked out missing him, getting angry at him and sometimes sobbing uncontrollably.  This home was supposed to be for the three of us, but he gave up, abandoned us and I hate him for that.   Will I ever completely forgive him? I don't know?! All I know is my heart is sooo broken, sooo hurt.

stolen from another single mama blog:

He had made a terrible decision to give up on our lives together, the life that i know is worth the effort.  I blame him for allowing his emotions to get the best of him.  And what he may not understand yet is that life does not deliver you love wrapped up in a nice neat package.  Love isn't a state of being, it changes and it is sometimes situational at best - but it is marked by commitment and choice.  It is a decision that may have to be made again and again, even with the same person.