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Saturday, March 23, 2013

spring cleaning

It's spring cleaning day according to my friends LaLa and Bee. So, while the two little boys were napping I took the opportunity to do a little theraputic make-up of myself and after hand scrubbed about 10 underwears my son peed on and hung them to dry in the bathroom. 3 year old under wear filled bathroom, check. Then, I moved on to my bedroom. I poured out the contents of my dresser and threw into a garbage bag clothes that maybe at 30 years old I should get rid of, and I did. I did however hold on to a dress I have had for 10 years that my ex boyfriend picked out, why do we do that to ourselves, why do we hold on?! I don't know, but I knew I wasn't ready to let go of it yet. So, dresser drawers, check. By the time that was done I was finished with my glass of wine, I looked over at my wine holder and decided to crack open another bottle. It was a cabernet saivignon a bottle I picked up on a recent trip to Seattle. I poured myself a glass and decided to sit in front of this computer to type away my sorrows of how turning 30 leads me to Saturdays of Spring Cleaning....but what I really need to do is change the pee pee sheets that I have been sleeping in for like 3 weeks. I know gross, but I was lazy. So, here I am drinking a glass of wine by myself in my diningroom and honestly the peace and quiet is quite nice and depressing at the same time....I heard a wimper from my three year old in the other room and I feel like a bad mom wishing in my head "please go back to sleep". I have 30 minutes left to savor some alone time before we head to a friends house for dinner, so while the little boys are sleeping I will sip on my glass of vino and finish my spring cleaning, changing the 3 week old pee pee sheets.

Monday, February 4, 2013

my blog

My blog, I miss it. Writing is my outlet, I have not done it in here in a long time....because every time I typed something everything seemed inadequate. However, as a subsitute for a blog I had my handy dandy little note book to write down my random thoughts in which only I could see. I am writing in here today because as I was pondering what the hell am I going to do with my life....I could only think of writing as my most desired and passionate activity. I scrolled down a college catalog with all the degrees and certificates the school offered hoping that a subject would jump out at me....or rather pick me....and there! that would be the direction I would go in! That would be my calling. My eyes danced around the idea of Physical or Occupational assistant. I am just feeling the need to choose a concrete path right now, something solid & consistent. I've been living spontaneously and with uncertainty for awhile and my 30 year old self is pressuring me to finally start living with intention & boldness and most of all here I am writing.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Friday, September 2, 2011

Accept this moment as it is

I have been in denial for a long time, because it is scary to face the truth. Who wants to face rejection?! I have made countless reasons and created open possibilities that maybe one will be what I want.

But, I cannot live on that one string, that string of hope that maybe one day....
I have to live on the string I have. An unattached string with infinite possibilities:

1. work on business with Lindsay
2. get more money some how, better paying job?
3. read about starting my own business
4. give my son constant love, stability and discipline
5. practice a healthy lifestyle
6. save money
7. make money
8. meet new girlfriends
9. take care of my current friendships
10. take care of my home

Saturday, August 27, 2011


Skin Sade Lyrics

When I found out this love's undone

I was like a gun, sure as it was over

Felt like nothing good could come

Sure as it's gonna play and play

Like Michael back in the day

I'm gonna peel you away

Now as I begin to wash you off my skin

I'm gonna peel you away

'Cause you're not right within

I love you so

Sometimes love has to let go

So this time don't think it's a lie

I say goodbye

Now as I begin to wash you off my skin

I'm gonna peel you away
'Cause you're not right within

Now it's time to wash you off my skin

Now as I begin, it couldn't be right

'Cause you're not right within

I say goodbye

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Me, Myself, and I - The Ego

My older sister always told me that the only person I could ever count on is myself. I didn't follow all the other advice she gave me.....but this statement always stuck with me. I always hear her saying it in my head.

I hear her right now, in the midst of my loneliness. It's funny though because my sister always wants to help me and despite our relationship rift she still does.

When my inner voice was telling me I was alone and have no sister's voice was reminding me that I have myself. This is what got me up from the slight slump I fell into tonight.

It has been really lonely though especially when in the past year several of my relationship have changed, I'm not just talking about my relationship with my boyfriend....but the relationship I had with my sister, friend mel and my mom.

It is something I have done.

I have changed....and honestly I wish I could get back to the old me or at least part of the old me, but I don't know how.

Heartbreak has jaded me, motherhood has disciplined me, Lost has stripped away the bliss I use to radiate with ease. I don't know if I am a better person? I know I am better in certain ways: in responsibilities, will power, strength wise, patience, but what kind of person am I where my boyfriend, sister, and friend have all decided to step away from my life?!

If I carry on this way I truly will have ONLY Myself to ever count on.