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Monday, May 30, 2011

An In-Between Moment

During the in-between moments of my life (when i say in-between i am referring to in-between bigger moments like my "love" life, goals, my son but that's my own scale of bigger moments and a whole other story) like when I am at work really examining the paper work. So, in my in-between moment at work on Friday as I was finishing the last five minutes of my day I started reading an Advance Care Directive. An Advance Care Directive is a document that a person has instructing health wishes in the case that he or she is incapable of verbalizing/expressing it them self. Yes, it is not a very fun subject, but something real that I think is important.

I think if I wasn't a mommy I wouldn't really care or think it was important, because before I was a mommy I saw this document a million times never thinking once that I should have one for myself. That's one thing mommy-hood did to me, think about this kind of stuff, like life insurance. Life insurance wasn't really something i considered getting for myself until I had Will.

It's a strange feeling to feel as if your life is much more important and more fragile when you have a child depending on you......Anyway back to my in-between moment. So, I was sitting there reading this Advance Directive....and thought that I should work on one this weekend (mind you it's a 3 day weekend and this is what I got all excited to do ) yes this is what my life has come to at the moment, lol.

So, I got the California Advance Directive off of You can download your specific state's Advance Directive and it is pretty self explanatory. To make it legal all you have to do is get it notarized, let the people you assign as Power of Attorney's for Health know and give them a copy as well as your physician and tada your set.

So, if anything happens to you like you get into a coma....your loved ones know what wishes you would like. It could possibly make it a little easier for your loved ones to make some sort of decision knowing your wishes are documented and instructed as well.

When I got home that day, my babysitter who is also my best friend started talking about death and how life is short and how we should take care of our health....there was more to the story, but that was the bottom line. So, since we were on the subject I let her know I would be putting her down as my 3rd choice for Power Attorney for Healthcare, the first one would be my mom and the second choice would be my little brother, I have yet to tell them.

Although I call that moment on Friday an in-between moment, It feels like my life right now is at an in-between stand still. Does that even make sense?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

him & me

Now, I know why he got so defensive at me last night. It's because I referred to him as someone's "little delivery boy". Behind his very very tough exterior I REALLY don't realize how my comments affect him.....He used to tell me that I shouldn't be affected by his silly comments, that I should be confident in myself to know who I am and not allow hurtful comments to affect me. So, I thought he practiced the same thing.

He's so intriguing to me. I want to get in his head. But, I probably never will.

And he will never get into my head and will never understand how I truly see him.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Will practicing Yoga and Vacuuming

                                                    .......His mom & dad taught him well
                                                  (we both took yoga at some point in our life)

Daddy taught him how to vacuum too!

    Today was a good day. I got these funny photo updates from Will's father which made my day. 

With the baby gone I finally organized the attic, I think it's a little more inviting as a guest room now.  My good friend J and his boyfriend are planning on visiting and staying the night this weekend so it was perfect timing to prepare that space.  

I get to see J and L this weekend. Two of my closest friends.  When I was driving home from work today the memory of when we went to get sushi back in April of 2008 came to mind.  
This is how I became a mommy.

The three of us, me, J, and L were having dinner.  J and I sat next to each other facing L.  She had something big to tell us that night.  I don't remember if she told us the big news in the beginning of dinner or the end, but I do remember how I felt. 

The news was that she was pregnant.  My initial feeling was a really selfish one.  I felt crushed.  Who was I going to hang out with, have a drink with spontaneously, look for guys with, attempt to go to school with( i say attempt because every time we have taken a class together we end up skipping class to shop or go to happy hour).  My life was going to change, I was not going to have the same L to hang out with.

But, later that night I talked with J about it and I remember telling him  I want a baby and I remember writing in my journal....either that night or a few days later.....
"I am ready to go in that direction in my life"

A year  later I had Will.  He is a year and 3 days younger than L's son.  I say this is how I became a mommy because this is how the seed of mommy-hood was planted in me (because we all know how i really became a mommy) .  I was really ready, not ready in a way where I had a husband, home and an ideal income.  But, I was ready in my heart and soul to begin a pathway towards that direction.  Lot's of things in my life have happened that way where I state in my heart and soul what I want and it happens!......maybe not in the same timing I expect to happen, or the same way but bottom line.

It happens.  It is exciting to think about what is going to unfold next in my life.  I have answers in my heart and soul, but I will keep them there until the unfolding happens.

Speaking of seeds....I started my tomato & green bean plant as seeds, I'm just proud of them so I wanted to share:

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

it's unfair

It's rainy and cold. I am alone at home.  I miss my son.  I don't get to see him until Friday almost 3 days, considering that on Friday it won't be until I get off work.  I hate being away from him.  There are mothers yearning for a break from mommy-hood, I wish I had their problems. I know some mothers don't even have their  child at all, like my friend and that's unfair.

I want to hug him and kiss him right now, I miss him so much.

At least He is having a lot of fun while he is away from me:

 His father emailed me this as I wrote this blog, what a coincidence.
I guess he sensed me missing him.

Monday, May 16, 2011

How did I become a Krazy Everlastin' Real Supah Diva?

A long time ago before I became a mommy.  I was a Krazy Everlastin' Real Supah Diva also known as KERSD pronounced (Cursed).  My friend Kiara came up with the slogan for our five person girl group and she came up with it using the first letter of our names K for Kiara/Krazy, E for Evony/Everlastin', R for Rosalyn/Real, S for Star/Supah and D for Diana/Diva.  These girls gave me the best memories that to this day bring me such warmth and complete happiness when I remember our adventures.

Kiara has been living in Texas for several years.  Evony is practically my neighbor and I remain the closest to her.  She has been with me through everything in the last several years and I am so blessed to still have her presently in my life. Rosalyn is myself and I am here, alive and well! Star has 4 kids and is married. Last but not least, Diana is with her long time boyfriend and just graduated with her college degree in Social Services.

We were all so different, but that is what made our adventures sooo much fun and FUNNY. We laughed  A LOT!  What makes a a person a Krazy Everlastin' Real Supah Diva?

You have to be Krazy enough to take risks and be spontaneous. To go beyond your comfort zone in order to grow and experience new things and meet new people-----Just like Kiara.

You have to understand what Everlastin'  or commitment is.  To be committed to what's important in your life-----like I have learned through Evony.

You have to be Real or authentic in what you say and do------which I continually strive to do.

And to be Supah you have to fun, flexible, and free spirited----which I remember Star as being

And to sum it all up you have to be a Diva, confident, smart and independent -----which Diana embodies.

Here is a Photo of Us from back in 2005 when we took a road trip to Texas to visit Kiara (Star was not present) :

Girlfriends are one of the best assets to have.  I am lucky to have several of them, who play such vital roles in my life.  No matter the distance or the length of absence, my girlfriends have given me the support, love, ear, advice, and honesty that enrich me and help me grow as a person.   

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I wanted to share this

Parent Meet-Up

  I joined a parent meet-up group here, and attended my first meet-up.  It was a BBQ in the country. The host lives on 4 acres of land and there were chickens galore, horses, dalmatians  and a pig named Penelope.  The place was beautiful!  I was a little nervous because I did not know anyone, but I took a deep breath and encouraged myself to step out of my comfort zone and just do it!  It was fun and I am really proud of myself.  The people were all nice, the food was yummy, Will had sooooo much fun,he even learned how to shake hands when meeting new people.  It was the cutest thing, since I kept holding my hand out introducing myself at one point Will held out his little arm to shake hands as well. There were a ton of kids to play with and great land to roam around in

                              The kids loved jumping into the big red ball and rolling down the hill

                                                                            Pinata Time !
                                                            Will scooting around, with my help
                                                          Will got to feed the horses Carrots

                                                    Here's a Picture of us w/ Penelope the Pig


Friday, May 13, 2011

I guess this is my Friday the 13th Curse

Will and I were playing in his room and then we went into his tent, the two of us, and then I started missing him.  I wished he were in the tent with us, laughing at Will's silliness.  I miss him a lot right now.

i wonder if he ever misses me.....

Thursday, May 12, 2011


If she were here I know she would be beautiful, just like her mommy.  She probably would have her daddy's calm demeanor.

She would probably bully lil Will around.  That's bossiness definetly from her mom : )

But, she is not. She is up in heaven.

I thought about losing Will today.  I saw myself immobilized.
I cannot imagine that ever again....

He is everything to me, and that scares me.  I have never had that before. I have had him for 25 months and the moment he came to life, he became my life.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

unburying me...or at least part of me

It's 12am and I have to be up in five hours, but I want to write.  I just don't know what to write.
I want to make a commitment to myself and write every night.  I use to be really passionate about writing and I wanted to be a writer, and I as I sit here thinking about that time when writing was a passion......I wonder where that person went.  That person who was a lot more spirited, impulsive, irresponsible, irrational, excited.  Part of that person is either hiding or disappeared and I know a small part of the reason is due to the fact that I am a mommy now.  My money, my time, my attention is not just for me anymore, it is to be shared with my little man now.  But, it makes me wonder is that old me still here just buried underneath parental responsibilities or is that part of me gone?

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

What's Real

I guess we are both living a fantasy, where I believe things last forever and he believes in the kind of love where there are sparks and everlasting passion…..whose is more real?  Whose  is more attainable?  I think we both want the same thing.  I just have to give up the notion that finding it in each other is attainable.
It feels surreal to me to give up hope, but I would be insane to continue to be hopeful.  This is the kind of stuff that makes me realize too much positivity can be a flaw.  I have become so blindsided by my own optimism, that maybe I choose to ignore what’s real.
That he is absolutely right “ that we are like oil and water, we will never mix” and that is what’s real.